


Forget A Bag of Cats, Herding Them is Much Worse

by Makairia



Series: AvengerKink meme fills [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (2012), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Darcy just really wants her iPod back okay?, Darcy's a bit of a fangirl, Gen, Humor, I am apparently unable to write anything that's not prompted, Tony really hates Apple, just eat the goddamn ice cream, seriously keep that shit out of his house kthxbye, tony stark's a collector of people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-04
Updated: 2013-01-04
Packaged: 2017-11-23 15:03:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/623467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makairia/pseuds/Makairia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Avengerkink dialogue prompt:</p><blockquote>
  <p>SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR ICE CREAM</p>
</blockquote><p>In which Darcy somehow finds herself corralling <strike>cats</strike> Tony and Steve through a bunch of PR, Tony and Steve bicker like old women, Darcy's a fangirl, and she really just wants her iPod back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forget A Bag of Cats, Herding Them is Much Worse

**Author's Note:**

> Pretty unedited and written on a tablet, so I'm just impressed that I managed complete sentences...some of the time.
> 
> Sorry in advance for all of the errors, particularly the tense errors. OTL
> 
> Prompt is [here](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/13316.html?thread=30624772#t30631940): SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR ICE CREAM

It started with a routine trip with Jane through SHIELD. _Supposedly_ , it was to collaborate with some of their scientists on minimizing the amount of power necessary in opening the Bifrost from this end of the, uh, universe, or whatever. Darcy thought it was just an excuse to meet up with Thor and inspect his Myeuh-muh. And she didn't even try to pretend that she was mature enough to not make a Captain Hammer joke. Heh. _Hammer_.

So, just a routine stop. Which, in retrospect, might be the reason why Darcy found herself swept into the disturbingly mild-mannered, yet no less terrifying whirlwind that goes by Agent Coulson.

"...so are we agreed, Miss Lewis? You handle this on behalf of SHIELD, and in return, we put a rush on the handling of your iPod?" To be completely honest, Darcy hadn't been playing the slightest bit of attention. Well, not unless she heard "iPod."

"Oh my God! It's been like, almost two years since you Men in Black took my iPod! Are you saying I can finally get it back? Yeah, sure, whatever it takes. I've been without music for way too freaken' long." And that was how Darcy found herself about to babysit and corral Tony Stark and Steve Rogers through a day of PR. _Holy shit._ Fucking _Iron Man_ and _Captain America._ How was this her life?!

Well, no one told her that they fought and bickered like a goddamn married couple. Fuck. How was this her life. _Alright, Darcy. We've got forty-five minutes until prep for the last photoshoot-interview-combo. You can do this. Just think of them like kittens. Cute, adorable kittens. Although, it certainly is like trying to herd cats._ For the sake of her sanity -- and arguably to prevent double homicide -- it was time for a distraction. Because superheroes or not, Darcy is not above tasing national icons for the greater good (and she took down Thor, a veritable Norse god...say nothing of his then-current state of mortality. Shh).

"Alright, boys. We're six down, one to go, and I'm thinking it's a little past time for a treat. So I got you some ice cream for a job well done. Or, a job almost done, as it may be." Out of almost nowhere, she pulled out three cones: one vanilla, two chocolate, passing the vanilla one to Steve, as Tony reached for the other chocolate that was somehow precariously balanced in her tiny hand, laughing.

"Are you insinuating anything about Cap's inclinations, Miss Lewis?" Tony still had his PR-shined grin plastered on his face, a reflexive leer in his eyes. Darcy couldn't tell if she was amused or irritated, caught between matching Tony's grin, and slamming her head into a wall. Repeatedly. She settled for a face palm and a helpless snort, before hiding her face in her hands. Jesus, this is Tony-fucking-Stark. Way to be smooth, Darce. God, the look Jane would give her...but it's not like it was a huge secret that Darcy had the _hugest_ lady boner for him. Whatever. He's hot. Sue her. And holy hell, she just spent the day with Tony Stark, and Captain America: the fucking pinnacle of human perfection. It has almost made this day from hell worth it. Almost.

But apparently, Steve couldn’t hold up a public charade much longer. Not that Darcy could blame him in the least.

"God, Stark. Is sex all you think about?" Tony's grin didn't even falter.

"Oh-ho-ho, are you sure you don't mean _fondue_ , mi Capitan?" If anything, his leer intensified. Both ice cream cones forgotten, seemingly doomed to melt in the summer heat. And Darcy came to a conclusion: no amount of eye candy could make this oncoming storm worth it.

"Oh. My. _God!_ You two, _SHUT THE FUCK UP AND EAT YOUR ICE CREAM!_ " That...that was not how she imagined herself handling this mess. _Jesus God she just yelled at Iron Man and Captain America she wants to die they’re going to kill her seriously just leave her here to die--_ what she did not expect was the genuine laugh from Tony. And not his public laugh, either. _Whoa, momma._ That man’s face when he laughed and smiled. Oh, boy. Epitome of perfection, right there. (Seriously, give her a break. She’s only human.)

”Ooh, this one. She’s a firecracker, isn’t she. Can we keep her, Cap?”

Steve just exhaled slowly, refusing the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose; he was learning how to deal with Stark and his conversational whiplash. Slowly. It was a lot to get used to.

”But really. What _did_ Agent use to bribe or blackmail you into handling us today? Untold amounts of money? Tasing lessons? Come on, throw a guy a bone.” Despite the heat and exuberant hand gestures, Tony had deftly managed to eat around his rapidly melting ice cream without smearing any on his suit jacket or his face.

”He offered to rush my iPod through processing, or whatever crap SHIELD’s putting it through. They took it along with Jane’s work on the rainbow bridge a couple of years ago.” And voicing it definitely made it sound much pettier than it felt, but _hello_ desperate college student here. Tony grimaced and Steve sighed, groaning something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like _here we go again._

”Oh god don’t tell me you’re an Apple fangirl --” nope, just a Tony Stark one “--those things are shit. Seriously. Come by the tower sometime when we’re not out saving the world, and I’ll hook you up with something. Jesus Christ. _Apple._ Actually, y'know, I’ve been apparently collecting people; you and Doctor Foster should drop by sometime, and I’ll get a floor prepared for you guys. Thor’ll be elated.”

” _Thor’s_ living with you?”

”Well, yeah. All of the Avengers are, and sometimes Coulson when he feels like being extra scary. Or extra supernanny...y. Gotta catch ‘em all, and all that. Maybe you could save Steve from all of the Science! talk that tends to happen, or something. And seriously, tell Agent that he can keep your goddamn iPod. I will not tolerate having that Apple bullshit in my house. _Je_ sus.”

The following not-quite-awkward silence was broken by an air raid siren, originating from Darcy’s pocket. One more photoshoot-interview, and then it’s home free, in all of its soon-to-be-music-filled glory. Darcy couldn't wait.

**Author's Note:**

> This kinda got away from me. I have no idea what just happened. I'm sorry.


End file.
